• Nikita

Evil emotions and loving yourself


I did not plan to put up this post today, nevertheless, here I am :) I write a lot of poetry, which I used to think is poetry, but turned out it isn't, because a Poem has a proper technical definition whose criteria my poetry does not match and hence it is not poetry but simply free verse. Got you :D I know, it is evil to bother people like this, but I like to be evil sometimes. Being evil is being human too. If you claim you're all nice, good, sweet, bam! Keep your evil lies to yourself! As humans, we all feel certain emotions at certain points in life. They are not always under our control. And that itself is human. Love, lust, happiness, sorrow, envy, anger, irritation, fear, pain, etc are natural to us. The only difference is we vary in our display of such emotions to others; we control them or at least try to control them. Why am I talking about this? Well. I just got my finger crushed while closing a door. Since then, all I can think of is the pain. Anything that anyone says is not getting registered in my head. I am getting confused about simple things. I have to skip one finger while typing and the other fingers have to work extra hard. I have stopped trying to be the ultimately brave one and given a break to all my tasks, lest I lash out the pain into anger on someone else who is nowhere responsible for this trouble. Again, a simple point I learnt from Mel Robbins yesterday. There are times when we are stressed, anxious, we do not know where we are heading. We are worried about our future. We worry about so many other things, and what do we do then? We get more dynamic, speed up all that we are doing, in an attempt to refrain from thinking about the stress causing factor and escape from it. But that's NOT the right way. When in doubt, always SLOW down. Calm down yourself and think what is wrong, why you are feeling a certain way. Try and find a solution to it, and if you cannot, at least see what you can do to reduce the stress to a minimum, accept what you can rather than avoiding it.

From personal experience, I think I tried to ignore or suppress a lot of my feelings, which led me to fall into depression. So I can tell you, never ever do that. I didn't know what were panic attacks until I started getting them and looked up if there is a name to what I am going through! Diverting just a little bit from the topic, I will tell you what is a panic attack, in layman terms. For me, it was extreme levels of stress and anxiety. Even when everything went perfectly fine, I felt stressed and worn out, sad, negative, worried, like the world was coming to an end and there was no meaning to life. I felt doubtful about my existence, that I was a worthless being in this vast universe. In such a state of depression and panic attacks, what saved me was the love for my children, I always knew I need to live for my little children if nothing else. It kept me going for a long time until one fine day when I got a bad panic attack in the middle of the most awaited holiday with my husband and I realised it was not under control anymore and I need a doctor. So much, for killing your feelings and not speaking your mind out. After that, it has been a lot of back and forth with my own self, trying to understand what I really want, why, and how I should go about it, no matter how busy I am and what other  important tasks are at hands. I needed to remember I am important first. The same holds true for everyone. In your life, you have to make yourself the most important person first. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself. Accept yourself with your flaws! It is NORMAL to be IMPERFECT. If you are happy, everyone around you will be happy too. But if you make everyone else the centre of your being, it will suffocate you one day. Love your self first. Parents, spouse, children, everyone is important, after you. Make time to do things you love, tell when you don't like something, take time to be alone, talk to yourself and analyse your feelings, pamper yourself, and you will be happy on your own. And so will others around you. Think about it! Take care :)