Basking in glory & being needy
Yes, yes I am basking in the glory of this website that I created all by myself, all the compliments and beautiful testimonials I have been getting for my writing (all are 100% genuine, in case you had a doubt :P), and what not. My writing has made people fall in love with me (yes, literally. Don't ask me who, when, how :P).
So yes, I am all happy in my own little world of writing, reading, generating lots of thoughts and opinions and spreading some positive vibes around. It seems like a perfect dreamland and I am wishing the bubble never bursts.
I might be sounding needy and desperate, but as humans, we all are, aren't we? It is very much human to feel this way. We all look for some appreciation, recognition and importance. What is life without it? Just imagine, nobody in your life appreciates you or recognizes your contribution or gives you importance. How would you feel? Would you be motivated to continue doing your work at all? I don't think so. Some of you might think otherwise, but I am talking about being human, not god (he he).
Someone also told me today that I am quite positive and it is surprising for such a person to be suffering from clinical depression. So let me burst the myth - I am not a positive person. BUT I NEVER spread negativity around. That's just my nature. Or maybe women are built like that by default - being strong within, in all situations. I don't know. But I am an extremely sensitive and empathetic person - to the extent that it led me to depression.
As women, we are on too many guilt trips all the time. The one big lesson I learnt in my whole depression episode is to stop feeling guilty and accept that I am a human being. I am allowed to feel a certain way, to not be perfect, to not be responsible for everything, to not be a perfect daughter-in-law/wife/mother and still the sky won't fall. Yes, it won't. I am serious
I can also proudly say that I am completely off my "depression medication". It has not happened solely because of medicines, a lot of effort has gone in conscious counseling, change of thoughts, being aware, trying to undo the knots of assumptions and some untold expectations. I took the risk of stopping the final tablet in consultation with my doctor when the lockdown period just started.
And you can guess - I feel free, happy, unbound, and just myself. It doesn't mean it was all hunky dory. I did suffer from withdrawal symptoms for a few days, but then, that was it. Those few days were painful, but I was home, with my family, and my husband with me all the time. I could tell him how I was feeling and it was so much easier. It is not easy to remember those moments either, but then, that is the real test, isn't it?
I would like to think of this as a victory and not a failure. I am thankful to god for making me see light, or I would probably never know life can be perfect - you just need to want it to be.